Saturday, March 26, 2005

Off my friends Grandmother

My friend’s grandmother has advanced Alzheimer's. She knows nothing of her surroundings. She wanders aimlessly through the house bouncing off of things. She doesn't communicate. She shouts unintelligently and randomly at invisible things with no warning. She has to be force fed. At first it was ok. It was even fun at times. We'd put her in the living room, move the furniture around and watch her bounce off of things like a pin ball. Sometimes, we would bang pots and scare her into running. It was real funny. She'd slam into this wall, turn and slam into another wall until she calmed down. It was a great ice breaker at his parties. Now my friend wants to send her on to the great beyond. He is tired of caring for her (his mom and dad died, no one else will take her). She is eating up what little inheritance he'll get on medicines that won't make her any better and he feels entitled to that money. Last week was the final straw. She got out the back door and started wandering around on the 37 plus acres of wooded land he has his house on. She can't walk right. She just walks forward until she hits an object and then turns a quarter/third/half turn and walks another direction. She wound up way in the woods. Every time a stick broke or a loud noise happened, she'd run until she forgot that she was frightened or until she slammed hard enough into a tree to stop her. She is not aware of anything any more as all she has is primitive responses to things. She is, for all intensive purposes, a walking vegetable. My friend feels it is cruel to force her to live like this. He's pretty sure that one time she said that if she ever became a burden to put her out to pasture. No, no one else heard this, but hey, his word is good enough. He only has her interests at heart. He could starve her, but then he'd have to tie her up in a back room with a gag so she doesn't accidentally say "feed me" and he would have to find judges to ignore her needs if he ever got caught. Unfortunately, he doesn't live in Florida. So we have found an idea that will make everyone winners. We have decided to allow a hunt for her next week. If you are the winning bidder you will receive one shotgun with 4 bullets. She will be given a 2 hour head start as random bounces off of trees will take a while to get a fair distance. You will then be given 2 hours to hunt her down in the woods and plug her. You cannot use dogs or any other outside method. Just you and your wits. If you are successful, you will receive her taxidermist mounted head to place on your wall as a souvenir. We will dispose of the body via a bon fire and tell the authorities that she "accidentally walked" into the fire complete with a "video surveillance tape" showing her walking into the fire (said tape is already made). If you cannot track and plug her in the 2 hours, you will be disqualified and we'll redo her auction for a new hunt next month, providing we can find her and get her back home. This is a once in a lifetime offer to test your hunting skills. This is someone who clearly would not want to be kept alive like this. If you want, you can make a game of it. Her ears work and if she hears a loud noise (shotguns are pretty loud), she'll turn in a random direction and run. Watch her slam off of trees until the fear subsides and fire another shot nearby. I know this sounds cruel, but she has no living will, and we're pretty sure she wouldn't want to be forced to live this way. Since she's never said "ouch that hurts" when we've set her off, we're pretty sure she can't feel anything. With Social Security in the tank, this would also do a small part to help shore that up. So really everyone wins including the general society! Make your bids count. Winning bidder will be notified via email. Payment is cash up front, no receipts.

Bidding is open.

GodSpeed, Terri.