Thursday, August 18, 2005

In the Garden of Eden baby!

So Adam mosies on up to the newest creature in the garden. "Umm, what's that?" "That's a woman. She's for you." "Why do I need a woman? Things here are cool without one." "Dude, you need her. You've been hand humping for forever the ground is getting way to nasty. Rabbit fur is supposed to be soft and cuddly. Not stand up like a punk rocker on a New York subway." "New York subway? What's that?" "That happens in few millennia. Anyway, the rabbits are getting "hot glued" to the grass. They're pissed. The sheep won't go into the pasture and the porcupines have asked for their fur to be replaced with quills that wash easier, and I gave it to them. In fact, they shoot too. You go near their home, you'll be able to water 6 plants at a time. Now stop arguing and get with her. Trust me, it's much better than the hand" Time went on in the garden and for Adam, it was good. Very good. Much better than his hand. Then about a month later, the problems began. "Um, help?" "What's the problem?" "It's woman. She's kind of changed since we married" "HA! You have no idea yet pal. Where is she now?" "Swimming in the lake" "Again? Yick. I'll never get that smell out of the fish. Anyway, what's the problem with her now?" "Well, a couple of days ago, she started bleeding from her fun hole and..." "Fun hole? You call it a fun hole?" "Well, she wants me to use the V word but I refuse to. It just doesn't sound right." "Call it the V word. Show some respect. Now what's the problem?" "Well, she's bleeding out the hole" "Yes, that's called a cycle. It will happen every month or so" "Cycle? Um, when I think cycle, I think day/night or spring, summer, fall, winter or 1,2,3,4,1,2,3,4. I don't think grab the nearest stick and chase me with it trying to pummel my head for the smallest comment. That's not a cycle, that's a psycho. Can't you fix that?" "IT'S NOT BROKEN. Get used to it. Wait till you score a goal and have a baby. You think cycle is psycho. Bwuahahahaha! "

So a couple months go by and Adam and woman are sitting on a hill getting ready for some fun. "Honey, before we start, I want something to eat." "I have to feed you before I get some?" "Yes, Satan the snake said that is called a date and is the future of fun. Feed me before I let you do me, now get me an apple." So Adam went to an apple tree and picked an apple. "Here you are dear, eat up." "What! This isn't a real diamond apple. It's a cubic apple. And much too small. I don't care if you spent your entire life savings on it, it's not good enough. Only a tree of life diamond apple will make me happy" "Um, those apples are forbidden. You know that" "Look, the snake over there told me that I have the power now. This little spot here, that you refuse to call Vagina the Magnificent, rules the world now. If you want the spot, then you better get me a diamond apple. And, you make sure it's a bigger and better one than the snake's boyfriend got her, or I'll be making a change. All she has to do is stiffen up and he's bigger than you." "Um, size doesn't mean everything" "It does now. So if you don't want Poleman the Massive to become Poleman the Dreamer, you better get my apple" "Look, I'm not getting you a diamond apple. The price is way too high." So Adam went back to his old hand spot and woman pouted on the hill shrieking every so often about Adam's lack of manhood, how he never takes out the trash, how he leaves his leaves on the floor rather than get them in the hamper, etc.

About that time, snake mosied on up. "So no diamond apple yet huh? He doesn't appreciate you. He takes you for granted. He made that log boat last week for himself and he can't get you on little trinket? Show him. Get your own apple." So woman went and picked her very own diamond apple. It was shiny and good. She ate it and the change was immediate. "Look at this place. It definitely needs a woman's touch. Get me some decorator leaves..." A while later, Adam stumbles upon the woman and notices that there is crap everywhere. "What's this?" "It's a decorator leaf. Don't wipe your hands with it, it's only for looks" "What the hell good is a leaf towel that is only for looks? What's this?" "It's a trivet. You put things on it" "Why do we have a trivet? We eat off the trees, we don't have anything to put on it!" "Hey, snake said it was on sale and that everything on sale is needed." "It's on sale because everyone wants it. Yeah, that makes good sense" "HEY! I ate the diamond apple off that tree of knowledge. I know more than you do. Snake says by virtue of having this hole means I know more than you and if you ever think I'm wrong, well, I bought a new couch on sale and you can break it in." Adam stormed out angry.

Days went by. Adam getting more and more desperate for the fun hole. Woman wanting more and more crap for the garden but needing Adam to help move it around. Finally, Adam, not being able to take the loss of the hole any longer, caved in. "Um, you around?" "Yes, I am Mr. NeverdidanythingI askedyouto. What do you want?" "I have to have the hole. What do you want?" "Oh, so I am just a thing to buy huh?" "Yeah, it's called marriage. I get you stuff, you take care of Mr. Pole." "That's it? You really don't want to be with me? I'm just a provider of fun?" "Well, yeah. Do you really think I'd put up with your psychotic bs if I could suck my own?" "Well, fine. The price is the biggest diamond apple on the tree. It's at the top and I can't get it. You get it. Now." "The big man says those are forbidden. When he gets back you're already going to be in trouble for getting that first one." "Excuse me, I am your wife and no man, I don't care who he is, knows more than me. So if I told you 1 and 1 is 2, you better say it is as well, even though it isn't." "Isn't it?" "No, it's 3 now get me the apple" "Whatever. We're going to regret this" So Adam, despite his better judgment (a phrase that will define mankind), defied the rules and found and picked the largest diamond apple on the tree. Woman did her duty and for a little while, all was well.

Then one day... "WHO PICKED MY APPLES OFF THE TREE OF KNOWLEDGE" Woman jumped up pointing at Adam. "HE DID!" "Adam, you disappoint me. Why would you do that?" "Well, after she picked the first one, she cut me off until I climbed to the top and got the biggest apple so she could show up her girl friend the snake." "You defied me, defiled my tree, for her hole?" "Well, um, yes. I'm sorry. It's just that without the hole, this is just a really nice garden. Don't get me wrong, it's a real nice garden, but the hole makes it paradise." "Enough. And you. You picked the first one?" "Snake told me I could have one, that she had one. That everyone has one and they were on sale." Snake shot back: "She lies. She was jealous of your tree. She said your apples weren't any better than any other. That we should all have them." Eve: "You bitch. You lie so bad." Then followed the first catfight in the history of the world until "ENOUGH!" "You and You. Out of the garden. Now." Adam shot a glare at Woman and stomped out. "You snake. Eat dirt and die". And the snake slithered off.

Later that month, Adam went back the where the garden was. "Um, you still there? Can you hear me?" "I always hear you Adam. I'm not mad anymore. I get over things pretty quick. What's the problem?" "Well, she's put a lot of weight on and yesterday, after eating everything in sight, she chased me with a rock. Her psycho cycle is overdue, but it was never like this." "That's called pregnancy. I told you it'd make the cycle look easy. Bwuahahahahaha! Just wait until the kids arrive and suck your life dry... HA HA HA HA Beep beep beep beep beep beep" I sit up and hit the alarm clock and turn it off. What a dream. The wife rolls in "Get your lazy but out of bed. You didn't take the trash out. Why don't you ever listen to me? To think I could have married my prom date. Gosh, what a life I could have had. And would it hurt you to tell me you loved me every once in a while. What the heck is your problem...." I roll over, waiting for death. It doesn’t come. Rats. Adam, why didn’t you tell that bitch to shove her apple? We could all be watching football in paradise. Instead, another day in hell is on tap. . . .