Tuesday, December 28, 2004

Lingerie and toe rings

So I am fluffing the cushions on the couch as I lay down and I begin to think on how I got here. No this isn't some philosophical life pondering, it is a literal review of the evening. Here's a pseudo-transcript of the event... Wife: "Honey 'Jesse', is having a lingerie party. What do you think? Should I go. Here's some of the stuff." At this point, she pokes a catalog with a picture of a model wearing a fishnet body suit. Looks real good. On her... Me: "Well, if you want to. I don't see anything in here that catches my eye" Real good to this point. I am not telling my supersized wife that nothing aside from a blanket could make her figure look good. This aside from the fact that now lingerie parties have been totally ruined for me. It used to bring to mind a bunch of models strutting around in skimpy outfits. Break out the music and beer. No, not any more, now it brings the thoughts of my supersized wife and her supersized friends looking at catalogs. So thanks for ruining the fantasies ladies... Anyway, the conversation, still positive, now continues. Wifey-pooh bringing my attention to the fishnet wearing babe: "But look. Don't you think that this would look cute?" Me: "Well, yeah. " long pause, mutter "on her..." Wife, getting agitated: "And on me?" Realizing that this is taking a dive fast, I decide that honesty is better than trying to cover a mistake. Me: "I'm not sure that is your best look" Phew. Good cover. Hopefully that would do it. Wife: "You don't think so? How would you feel if I slipped this on, laid you down and climbed on top?" Me thinking: "Well, then I guess you'd be like the South Fork dam in 1889. Stretching at the seams, exploding through the holes and smothering it's poor hapless victims underneath" Wait, did I think that or say that? My lips were moving. There is a shoe heading for my head. Followed by a pen, and a glass. Now she is stomping to the bedroom, slamming the door. Hmm, must have said that out loud... Not good. So that is how I got to the couch tonight. Simple honesty, when severe lying was called for.

Today's subject is lingerie and toe rings. I have noticed that those ladies who are "amply sized" like things like toe rings or (please say it isn't so) thongs or other "sexy" items. I guess it makes them feel sexy. How nice. Look, you may feel sexy, but you look obscene. Toe rings were invented by a lady in Rhode Island named Maxie. Maxie, being married, had put on 133 pounds and could no longer wear her wedding band. Dreaming that someone may actually hit on her, she decided that since her toes were not the size of grilled ball park franks (they get plump too), she'd put her band on her toe. A single woman (not fat, as she wasn't married), saw it and after laughing her butt off, decided that even though it looked ridiculous on Maxie, it would look better on her. It did and the fashion took off. I am not sure why big women put on makeup, wear lingerie, wear toe rings or do any of the beauty things that they do. I mean, you can take a box of stuff and put a bow on it and it is still a box of stuff. There is a reason that the models on lingerie ads, or beer ads or nearly any other ad made is good looking. Because fat isn't. And this isn't just for women. Men too. Nothing puts the damper on fun for a woman than a man whose stomach separates the discs on her spinal cord during missionary position sex. Yeesh. But men get fat a lot more gracefully than women. Men don't try to hide their fat. They don't put on makeup or toe rings or other things that try to distract you from the literal elephant in your living room. Makeup and the like isn't for hiding your fat. Only invisibility paint can do that. Or as I ranted above, dropping the cookies and getting to the gym.

So tonight, I have but one message for you. When your wife says, wouldn't I look cute in this? You say yes. Even if she looks like a barge covered by a tarp, you say yes. Man this cushion is uncomfortable. Tomorrow, I go to the furniture store to get a new couch... I may be here a while.

Good night.