Monday, November 29, 2004

blowback from the Viagra challenge

Ok, look. I have been getting some heat about my Viagra challenge post. (If you haven't read it, then read it first (dated 11/28/2004) and then come back here.) It appears the female reader (all one of them) took exception to my drop the cookies and work out post. This defies the obvious. Allow me to explain. Men and women are different. Men are visual beasts, women are physical/emotional beasts. A woman can look at a man's wang for hours and it won't do a thing for her. By 10 minutes into the process, she is comparing it to vegetables, or how it resembles that wrinkled old person who rooms next to Granny in the retirement home. It makes no difference. I know there are some women who can look at a man and get hot. Most women don't. When they sigh looking at Hugh Jackman, they aren't thinking about him naked. They are thinking about undressing him themselves, rubbing him, kissing him, etc. THEN, they get hot. All men need is part of a nipple, or a pubic hair of a woman on the floor and poof, Mr. Happy gets up. Think I'm crazy? Let's explore. Guys, go to your woman (wife, girlfriend, etc). Drop your pants and shake your thing at her. She'll roll her eyes. Turn your rear to her and give it a shake. Aside from ruining her supper, she'll tell you to get that thing out of her face. Now ladies, you do the same thing. In fact, don't undress, just go up to your man and gyrate your hips at him with a smile. See how long you stay clothed. This is why there are more subscribers to any one of Playboy, Hustler, car magazines, wrestling magazines and any other magazine that features women in no or little clothing than *all* the women's Playgirl equivalents combined. It's a fact of life. Look, a man is a visual slug. We can't help it. We will contort ourselves in more ways than a dozen pretzels playing twister just to gaze at a bra in an open shirt. Hoping that maybe a part of a nipple will show. And should we see said bra, we immediately start thinking about the boob behind the bra and how we'd love to be that bra cup. We're perverts. It's our nature. When a man holds a door open for her, he is not being polite. He is looking at her chest on the way into the door and her rear after she goes through the door. It's not chivalry, it's lust. Plain and simple.

And that brings me to the Viagra challenge. What ruins a visual fantasy? When reality crashes in. If we men go to our bathroom and a pubic hair of our (wife, girlfriend, etc) is on the floor or toilet, we will start daydreaming about where it came from and how nice that spot is. And just that thought will make Mr. Happy perk up thinking "oh yeah, I know where that came from". Then the 250 pound wildebeest of reality kicks the door down, her rolls oozing everywhere, while "complaining forcefully" at you for not getting something done for her, she tells you to move it as she is going to take a dump. She then plops her oversized can on the toilet, her rolls covering up any sign of Mrs. Happyspot. At this point, Mr. Happy has been traumatized so bad that he has curled up so far inside of himself, that it will take 2 scooby snacks and a month of therapy just to get him to come out again. Visually driven. So, how do you make a visual thing work best? Simple, you make it look it's best. That means, drop the cookies and get to the gym...

Good night.

Sunday, November 28, 2004

The Viagra challenge...

So I am watching yet another Viagra commercial. You know the one. The guy shopping with his wife. They go in and out of shops and then pass a nice little set of threads that prompts the new mr. stud to pull his wife in the store. That one. Yeah, right. Let's get to the softer side of this E. D. craze. Here's the dirty little secret. No man, and I mean *no* man is going to have problems getting it up with that woman. Ditto that Cialis commercial with the hot burnette. She starts off, "My man has E. D.". Well, then your man is gay. No two ways about it. Otherwise, he'd take one look at you and start pawing you like a lion paws his freshly killed wildebeest. Look, I know the tactic on the commercials. They are trying to make E. D. sufferers feel better. Here's Mr. Marlboro Man, he's married to Mrs. Supermodel and he sometimes his balloon goes flat and he needs a little extra air in it(and of, course, our pill will give that air to him). Well, no, he doesn't. We all know those women aren't married. If they were, there is no way they'd look like that. Every man knows that within 5 years of marriage, women double their weight and only take it off when they are cheating or getting ready to leave. I have *the* challenge for Viagra and Cialis. Let's get a real married woman. 5 and a half fee tall. 270 pounds. Needs to shave her face regularly. Keeps her hair in rollers. Wears those fluffy slippers and an oversized shirt around the house. Has one volume: loud. "Complains forcefully" about everything. Basically, the kind of woman who could walk into an adult theater and immediately make all the guys softer than Bob Dole before Viagra. Let's see Viagra and/or Cialis work on that. Then I'll be impressed. As it stands, having a supermodel say, now even my husband can get it up, just isn't believable. Of course, there is a general (and I do mean general) rule of thumb that you can follow: If he can't get it up, she's too fat. Simple. Ladies, want more sex from your man? Drop the cookies and get your butt to the gym. You'd be surprised how effective that is...